Filed under: Stupid Stuff
What would appear to be a large bull* skunk has set up residence in my front ditch.
It moved into a cavern which I suspect was created by a little driving maneuver done by a party to remain unnamed (initials D.H.) a winter ago when he thought our driveway was on the other side of the mailbox.
WARNING: If you see a skunk as something more than a furry rat equipped equipped with chemical weapons, than stop reading. You probably won’t like what I am planning.
To defend myself going in, the skunks in our neighborhood have already proven to be particularly aggressive. Dixie, our neighbor’s sheltie, is one of the nicest dogs on earth. And, a vicious skunk sprayed it last year. I have no doubt, this skunk is kin to the one that assaulted Dixie.
So, the skunk has to go, and given that it is equipped with advance weapons systems, I don’t see peaceable negotiations as a possibility.
This being the case, I am officially at war with the skunk.
I will be weighing options in the days to come. My first plan of attack is adapted from the movie the Dirty Dozen. So far as I can tell, the skunk does not have an emergency exit from his abode. So, my thinking is, if I :
(1) Block the opening with a large boulder during the daylight hours, the skunk will be sealed inside. (Skunks are nocturnal, so I figure it will be indoors at high noon).
(2) Drill a ventilation shaft. This shaft will need to be large enough to do step three, but small enough that if the skunk chooses to use the nuclear option, I will be able to quickly plug the hole leaving him to inhale his own chemical warfare.
(3) We’ll call this the Lee Marvin step. I will then pour a gallon or so of combustible fluid ($4 worth of gasoline) down the hole.
(4) Now enter Jim Brown. I will then drop the equivalent of a grenade (a lit match) down the ventilation shaft and run hoping that the Nazi skunks don’t get me while I make for the jeep.
I think this is a good option. But, it does have some flaws. It didn’t work out so well for Jim Brown in the movie. And, I fear that if the hole is not properly sealed, then the skunk will be able to inflict his carnage even if he does go out in flames.
Further, it may not be that humane.
I am open to other suggestions.
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*I’m not sure if a male skunk is called a “bull” skunk. But, this one is big enough to deserve the title.
9 Comments so far
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A Brick in the Valley 
Pepe Le Pu is not going to be happy with you!
Comment by gunny93 June 1, 2008 @ 8:33 amI thought about that. But, herein lies the problem. If my skunk is as romantic as the aforementioned Looney Tune, then there will be all kinds of little skunks terrorizing us.
Comment by Chris Brauns June 1, 2008 @ 8:35 amOne word (okay… acronym) PETA! I’m shocked that you would consider such a plan. One would think you had grown up in a houshold in which rodents and stray cats were ruthlessly eliminated. Need I remind you that even if said skunk did originate from the same gene pool as Dixie’s attacker, he has not yet shown signs of aggression. Can’t we all just get along?
Comment by mdschuck June 1, 2008 @ 9:48 amYour approach seems somewhat bloodthirsty, and I am concerned that “killin’ skunks could get to be a habit with you”
MD – – yes, we’ve all seen one B.B. out stalking tomcats in his evening wear.
Comment by Chris Brauns June 1, 2008 @ 9:53 amsorry, chris–but did i miss where you said if you have a gun?
Comment by joydriven June 1, 2008 @ 9:58 amjust shoot the thing!
If I have a gun (and I’m not saying one way or another), then the problem would be shooting it in such a way that it does not, shall we say, “express,” itself chemically.
And, it is nocturnal. I don’t keep the same hours the skunk does.
So, I would have to lure it away from civilization before shooting, if I do have a gun.
Comment by Chris Brauns June 1, 2008 @ 10:08 amHave you thought of using a trap? We trapped many a vicious squirrel on our roof this way in the past year. Then, we drove to “the wild” and set them free to terrorize some other family. Actually, it gave us a lot of pleasure to picture the squirrels frantically digging for nuts they hadn’t buried!
Comment by chaderin June 1, 2008 @ 11:02 amSo…picture this skunk, used to the comforts of a subdivision where the food is easy and there is plenty of family nearby…suddenly stranded in the wild. It would be like Survivorskunk! I see reality TV written all over this entire situation!
But…you better make sure that skunks can’t find their way back home…
you know all those stories of dogs trekking hundreds of miles back to their homes…
you’d rue the day if your little friend found his/her way back to you!
and one more thing…
Comment by chaderin June 1, 2008 @ 11:04 amMD has a good point. One does lose some feeling for animals when one lives with a family who would leave a poor little girl’s favorite cat on the highway to be run over every morning by her bus before she went to school…until there was nothing left but a smudge on the road…
[…] If you are new to this, please read the first skunk installment. […]
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