Filed under: Stupid Stuff
What would appear to be a large bull* skunk has set up residence in my front ditch. It moved into a cavern which I suspect was created by a little driving maneuver done by a party to remain unnamed (initials D.H.) a winter ago when he thought our driveway was on the other side of the mailbox.
WARNING: If you see a skunk as something more than a furry rat equipped equipped with chemical weapons, than stop reading. You probably won’t like what I am planning.
To defend myself going in, the skunks in our neighborhood have already proven to be particularly aggressive. Dixie, our neighbor’s sheltie, is one of the nicest dogs on earth. And, a vicious skunk sprayed it last year. I have no doubt, this skunk is kin to the one that assaulted Dixie.
So, the skunk has to go, and given that it is equipped with advance weapons systems, I don’t see peaceable negotiations as a possibility.
This being the case, I am officially at war with the skunk.
I will be weighing options in the days to come. My first plan of attack is adapted from the movie the Dirty Dozen. So far as I can tell, the skunk does not have an emergency exit from his abode. So, my thinking is, if I :
(1) Block the opening with a large boulder during the daylight hours, the skunk will be sealed inside. (Skunks are nocturnal, so I figure it will be indoors at high noon).
(2) Drill a ventilation shaft. This shaft will need to be large enough to do step three, but small enough that if the skunk chooses to use the nuclear option, I will be able to quickly plug the hole leaving him to inhale his own chemical warfare.
(3) We’ll call this the Lee Marvin step. I will then pour a gallon or so of combustible fluid ($4 worth of gasoline) down the hole.
(4) Now enter Jim Brown. I will then drop the equivalent of a grenade (a lit match) down the ventilation shaft and run hoping that the Nazi skunks don’t get me while I make for the jeep.
I think this is a good option. But, it does have some flaws. It didn’t work out so well for Jim Brown in the movie. And, I fear that if the hole is not properly sealed, then the skunk will be able to inflict his carnage even if he does go out in flames.
Further, it may not be that humane.
I am open to other suggestions.
*I’m not sure if a male skunk is called a “bull” skunk. But, this one is big enough to deserve the title.
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